So, yesterday (Mother's Day), came and went pretty quickly. Thankfully, May 10th was a double holiday for me, as it was my dad's birthday as well. So I was plenty busy making four different kinds of cake pops. Totaling one hundred cake pops, when all was said and done. But, with all this baking, dipping, and decorating, I also found myself in my own head, having a debate.
You see, before I got married, Mother's Day was a day of celebrating the woman who gave me life. Then, for the three plus years of dating my man, the focus was on both my mom and soon to be mother in law. Now, add in my husband's son. Even with the little guy running around, coupled with the relationship and 'parent' role I had, we weren't married yet, so technically, I wasn't a "step mom." Therefore, Mother's Day didn't include me. Right?
Once we tied the knot, I was to be officially a "mom" of sorts and celebrated, right? But, I'm not the one who gave life to him... I just married his dad. Before the little one was allowed to relocate to Seattle, I used to pick him up from school, I aided him in his learning, made meals, packed lunches, I keep a family calendar going and I am always buying clothes and shoes for this rapidly growing boy. Not to mention, instill manners and respect, set boundaries, help teach him about privileges and consequences, cuddle when the tears fall, pray with him and over him at night, and love him unconditionally. I am a great complimenting counterpart to his dad, we are in sync in our co-parenting and great supporters of each other in the role of a parent. With all that said, I am biologically not his mom. So I feel strange thinking I should be celebrated in Mother's Day.
You see, before I got married, Mother's Day was a day of celebrating the woman who gave me life. Then, for the three plus years of dating my man, the focus was on both my mom and soon to be mother in law. Now, add in my husband's son. Even with the little guy running around, coupled with the relationship and 'parent' role I had, we weren't married yet, so technically, I wasn't a "step mom." Therefore, Mother's Day didn't include me. Right?
Once we tied the knot, I was to be officially a "mom" of sorts and celebrated, right? But, I'm not the one who gave life to him... I just married his dad. Before the little one was allowed to relocate to Seattle, I used to pick him up from school, I aided him in his learning, made meals, packed lunches, I keep a family calendar going and I am always buying clothes and shoes for this rapidly growing boy. Not to mention, instill manners and respect, set boundaries, help teach him about privileges and consequences, cuddle when the tears fall, pray with him and over him at night, and love him unconditionally. I am a great complimenting counterpart to his dad, we are in sync in our co-parenting and great supporters of each other in the role of a parent. With all that said, I am biologically not his mom. So I feel strange thinking I should be celebrated in Mother's Day.
So, now I'm having this internal conversation with myself, going back and forth. Did you know that 50% of all marriages fail? 75% of those men and women remarry. Meaning there are A LOT of men and women in the step parent roles.
How many of those STEP moms are in a new marriage? Or never have their own biological child? How many ladies are great in their role as a wife, a "mom," a supporter, a career driven worker, an encourager, a crafter/creator, and a friend? Millions, right?
How many of these millions are reminded from the bio-mom in one way or another, that they are not a "mom," that they don't have rights and are continually put down by the bio-mom? How many are told by their little bonus soul(s) that they adore, that you are not their "mom." So, then I'm wondering, well, what does my husbands mini think of me? Does he know I'm head over heels in love with both him and his dad? Does he see that I am a great counterpart to his dad? Will he remember I taught him how to spell 'truck" and tie his shoes? Will he remember all of our moments of singing together while drawing hundreds of trucks and the after school dates we had at Yogurtland? Will he remember that his dad and I taught him to ride a scooter and a bike with no training wheels? Will he see that I do all the stuff that his mom and stepdad (aka "daddy") and my husband do, even though there is no "mom" in my title? I'm just "Emmy" and 100% ok with that, but will he understand the role I played?
Then I read these amazing stories or talk to many people that do Co-Parent. Stories where the bio-mom/bio-dad are grateful for the new addition who is helping raise their amazing human(s). Where all parents involved, come together to make their incredible creations the absolute best that they can be. Each person is instilling something wonderful, helpful, discipline related, respect driven, encouragement, aiding in talents, and helping mold a rapidly growing child or teenager. Or bringing something different to the table for a 'child' who is already grown. The saying is true: It takes a village to raise a child. Obviously, hundreds of thousands understand that. As well as, support and validate all parents involved. Do the stepmoms in those situation feel weird when Mother's Day comes around? Or do they feel 'normal' as I believe any mom does on their special day?
(**I do realize every story and situation is different for every parent, step parent and/or child. This is my story and I am focusing on the two main types of situations blended families experience**)
Before the new living arrangement, I made sure to be creative with mr. littles. Baking cookies, making race car rice crispy treats, drawing pictures, and spelling out words for a Mother's Day note for his mom. Doing this, so he had something extra that he was so excited to bless her with, as our time with him concluded. His dad and I work hard at promoting this invisible alliance that we are all working together to parent and we should praise and encourage each other (even though that isn't the case behind the scenes). Therefore, it seemed like the normal thing to do. But deep down, a thought would sprint through my mind. Would I get appreciated on Mother's Day? Is that a selfish desire since I'm just Emmy?
With Pinterest all the craze, I randomly came across something that introduced me to a "Step Mother's Day." Why had I never heard of this? Is this a new thing? Is this like an actual and real day? Apparently, us stepmoms get the Sunday after Mother's Day? Well, after looking into this new found 'holiday,' multiple different dates appeared. So, do we have A day? These different "step" dates were all over the place, much like my thoughts and emotions in being a step parent. If we do have 'A Day,' why isn't it promoted and encouraged? After all, almost half of the parents out there are Step Parents. It is just as tough being a step parent, as being a biological parent. Personally, I think it's harder sometimes. We should have a date where we are adorned!
I took a break from my cake pop making and my thoughts, and headed to church with my husband. Being it was Mother's Day Eve, you can guess the theme in which the service was done. They had a short video of a handful of moms. They asked those moms to describe their parenting. "Not confident", "not patient enough," " wondering if they were doing ok as a mom", were some of the responses. The children were then interviewed, separately. They were asked to describe their moms. A couple days later, the moms were brought in and shown the recording of their child talking about them, praising them, sharing memories. Tears flowed down their faces and mine. It was a nice, confirming moment for those moms to be appreciated and reassured that they are doing just fine. But that reignited my internal discussion, what would my stepson say about me? Now that we don't see him every couple of days or have the joy of his presence for a length of time, consistently; does he see the extra effort both his dad and I put forth to let him know he is loved? Does he see the distance (literally and figuratively) that we go to be present? Does he notice that we are trying as hard as we can to be involved as parents and to continue to help mold him as he grows?
As Mother's Day arrived, I got a few texts and messages that were filled with loving words and praise and a sweet card from my parents, but I can't help but admit that every comment just felt odd. Thankfully, I spent most of the day cake popping, then lunch with my husbands side of the family, followed by a short time to celebrate my dad. So the day flew by. I may never feel completely 'comfortable' on Mother's Day. I may desire to be appreciated (extra) on that hallmark day. I may always want to be spoiled rotten, receive hand made gifts, have a mimosa and eat ice cream, all the while be able to spend some moments with a little boy I love immensely. I may never get to spend a Mother's Day with my stepson, ever. (Thankfully, we always have the mini on Father's Day and I make sure my man and his replica are BOTH celebrated and loved on more than normal). I may always wonder the role I have played and will continue to play in my favorite little human's life and how it has impacted him. I may one day, find out, as he gets older and understands things. But, I also may never know.
What I do know is, I admire and am cheering on every person in a position like mine. (We totally deserve our own hallmark day... or five). I think you are an amazing, strong, loving and an empowering human. I know that even if you're a step parent in an ideal blended family, you still have your moments. I know that I will never stop loving my man and the gift of life he helped create. I know that I will be the best ying to my husbands yang in the area of parenting. I know that we are modeling a marriage and a loving household that one day our son will hopefully desire to mimic. I know how blessed and lucky I am every moment our little family is together, and I wouldn't give that up for the world. Mostly, I know that I need to keep doing what I am doing, keep being a strong wife and co-parent to my husband and keep loving and encouraging that little one, unconditionally.