As I pack and plan for trip number 16, I can't help but think back on that first trip that took place this very weekend, exactly one year ago. Packing now, is routine. I can pretty much do it with my eyes closed and hit the 45-50lb mark on the scale without weighing it ahead of time. However, the structure I have acquired now, was no where in sight this time last year. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Re-reading, reliving, and delving back into all the feelings and emotions of life, one year ago, has been hard. There have been a couple times that I've just cried and had to stop reading what I once wrote. For a few moments, I couldn't even handle the reality and emotions of what we have already gone through. But, then I think of how far we've come.

One year ago, life felt like it was a 10,000 piece puzzle that was near completion. But then, out of no where, ripped completely apart, with the pieces thrown every where. Here's a peek of what that looked like...  

Packing for this new adventure was an adventure in and of itself. Questions flooding our brains. What would the weather be like? What clothes, shoes and non Southern California items do we bring? What toys, books, snacks and clothes should we pack for the little one? Do we bring our car seat or rent one from the car company? What city do we stay in and where the heck is that city in comparison to his new school and where She was residing? How do we do fun things without spending a million dollars and what is there to even do? Would a one bedroom suite with a pull out couch be more 'comfortable' for my Mr.'s mini or a room with 2 beds side by side?

After much researching and reading different blogs, I THINK I came up with a game plan.

Upon arrival to this rainy city, it was quite apparent that there was no guessing how this weekend would go. For starters, the car seat was an XXXL version of his infant seat. How uncomfortable would it be for our 5 year old, who usually sits in a booster seat, to now be stuck in a ridiculous version of one he outgrew long ago. A stupid thing to complain about, you're probably thinking, but we were trying to keep any and every little thing that we had actual control over as "normal" as we could. Needless to say, that was the last time rented a car seat and we planned on just bringing his from home, going forward. Once school let out and we were waiting to pick up our child with the utmost excitement, it was obvious the little one was beyond confused. No amount of planning could EVER prepare anyone for the magnitude of uneasy, uncomfortableness that seemed to flood the entire state, within the first hour. Let me tell you, uncomfortable is NOT the feeling you want for your child, let alone, not be able to fix it. It wasn't the start my husband wanted, especially in a situation he didn't create and that he had no control over. He was greeted with a very confused little boy who once used to run right over and jump into his arms.

It then turned into 20 questions. "Are you going to take me back to 'Canafornia'?" "Where is your car and who's car is this?" "Did you go on a plane?" "Can you move to seattle?" "Am I going to live with you?"  "Where's my car seat?" "What is a hotel?" "Do you get to keep me?"  It was clear that this little one was not being assisted much, if any, in his new 'temporary' situation. And there is only so much that can be done verbally, over the phone, 1200 miles away, to a 5 year old. Heartbroken, sad, mad, confused, irritated with what we could not control and mostly just devastated that this was happening to a little five year old and to the relationship with his dad; were among a few of the feelings bubbling inside me. But love and 'excitement' for a new land, masked those deep rooted feelings and kept them hidden from The Mini.

I'm SO thankful I married the man I did. He is beyond amazing in his love for his mini. He is overwhelmingly (and often irritatingly) wonderful at taking the high road and not including his son in the adult mess. A mess so grandiose, that it just feels like we're all swallowed in this hurricane of emotions, love, sadness, hurt, and no 5 year old should be thrown into a hurricane of this magnitude. You will see my husband just gaze at this little boy who is exactly like him, with this look of pure love. As I gaze at him, gazing at his boy, it's so blatantly obvious how much this little boy's dad is just dying inside. But to his child, his dad just wants to make him comfortable and loved, like nothing has changed.

That being said, we did our absolute best to make our hotel room like a little boys dream and turned it into a construction zone. We tried our best to continue our old routines and habits in how we were raising this tiny soul and brought in new traditions as well. We opted for a room with two beds, assuming that would be the best road to take for this first trip. From the moment She informed their child, in September, that 'they were moving to seattle and he wouldn't see his dad anymore because it was far away,' this sweet boy has refused to sleep on his own. Every time he was in our care, he was in our bed within hours of being put down in his own. Completely snuggled between the two of us. We decided a couple years ago that we would not go down the path of allowing him to sleep in our bed with us for a couple different reasons and we have stood by that... Until September. Well, this weekend brought out a side to our son, we could never wish upon anyone. I think we all probably slept around 8-10 hours total this weekend. Tiny was more restless than ever. Tossing, turning, having strange dreams, wanting head scratches, asking to sleep with us even though he was a couple feet away, becoming angry, and just not able to sleep. Talk about feeling defeated and helpless... Ugh... My eyes are filled with tears just reliving it.

This game plan I had thought I created was no where in sight. Between the need to be there in the moment for Mr. Littles and the 'excellent' weather seattle seems to provide on a regular basis, this weekend seemed like an unmanageable storm.

We did go to the movies to see How to Train Your Dragon 2, explored Alki beach and took advantage of the fun pieces of drift wood that took over the shore, and allowed our growing boy to indulge in his favorite treat of "cream" (whipped cream) with a chocolate chip cookie below it. On Sunday, we went to Woodland Park Zoo and if you're ever in Seattle, I highly recommend you visit. We got there before it opened, left when it closed, and the entire time in between was filled with these grand animal exhibits, cool animal interactions, and new play areas that filled Tiny with so much joy and laughter, for a length of time, we all forgot how different this weekend had been for our little family.

But then, all too soon, Sunday night was upon us.

Since the order the judge created was so vague in the time allotted to us, my husband decided a 7:30pm drop off time was best. We were able to create memories and love on the little man the entire day and he still had some transition time before bed at his moms. After the zoo, we got dinner. To continue with the weekend theme of uncomfortableness, this dinner had this unreal presence of just that. We hadn't even divulged any information for when we were to take him back to Her house and the amount of time that would take place between our visits, but he sensed it. He knew something was up. More questions came of "Emmy, are you going to cry? Please don't cry." "Why can't I live with you?" "Can you guys move to Seattle?" "How long till you get me?"...

My tears flowed... The little guys' tears flowed... My husband desperately trying to hold them back. Not wanting them to drop in front of his little man and forcing them to hangout like little pools in his eyes. This dad, just trying to be a strongest dad he could for his family and yet completely gutted inside.

It was equally as hard leaving him this evening as having him taken away from us so abruptly, on October 10. Although, no amount of time can ever prepare you for any of this, I certainly wouldn't wish this upon anyone. This little boy, only 5 years into his life, may not be my blood, but he is one half of my husband and a total replica of the man I married. Therefore, making it impossible to not love him as though he were my own. And then here is this 30 year old man, fighting against every fiber in his body to remain filled with love, comfort, hope and strength for his son.

The drive back to the hotel after we dropped the little man off  was silent and filled with tears and sadness and we just held each others hand. 

And almost immediately we were making arrangements for our trip back there in just under two weeks...

It's crazy how a single date, can hold so many memories. One single day of the year, one single day out of the 11,341 days I've lived, can hold an unspeakable amount of emotions. Of feelings. Of thoughts. Maybe it's  just me, but isn't it just nuts how one single day can hold an obscene amount of power?! October 10, 2014 is THAT date for us.

When I realized this morning, that it was the eve of the 10th, I thought I'd go back and re-read some journal pieces I wrote for this blog, but it was too soon to post considering there was a great deal of court days still happening. Now that it's been a full year and we have completely embraced what has become our new "normal" life, I feel at peace with getting our story out there. So here it is...

It all began on September 5, 2014 in an email my husband received, with a simple paragraph stating that She was offered a job in Seattle and wanted to move with their 6 year old and her current family on September 19, in order to begin this new job on September 22. Now, for those of you who are not aware, my husband has been fighting to reach a 50/50 custody arrangement for his replica of a son, with an ex girlfriend, over the last few years. So, needless to say this was a gut wrenching, vomitus, shock, to receive such news. 

Two emergency hearings (I'll spare you the legal mumble jumble) later, the judge was quite firm in that the little one was unable to leave California. That a "moving investigation" of sorts was to occur in November and a trial date was then set for January 6, 2015. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the legal system, a moving 'investigation' is a bit like a He said, She said report. There is very minimal to no factual research done by the social worker who is "investigating" the issue. Not to mention, we were all curious to know how an investigation was supposed to be done correctly when She had already moved to Seattle. (Yes, you read that right.) 

Fast forward to October 10, 2014. We felt obligated to call an emergency hearing due to the lack of communication and cooperation from Her, in order to best aid in the transition for the precious guy they share. The details you have not been told yet is that there is a He married to Her and together, they have a couple little ones. He had arranged with his job, a transfer to Seattle and this was the weekend he was to move. Until now, this sweet boy who has always known two homes, continued to live that way, except the stepdad was the adult who was with him during Her custodial time in California, while she worked approximately 1200 miles away. How anyone in their right mind is to just leave their child, does not help transition them and refuses to communicate with the other parent, just floors me. So, I hope you understand my husband's panic in our desperate attempts to get answers in: 'What happens to the child when one family is gone' and 'can you please help us to co parent affectively so that the child does not suffer greater than he already has.' 

Well, here's how the problem was solved... We go in for emergency hearing number three with the same Judge as before and the Judge then asked a simple question, "Who is willing to pay for the other parent?" Well, considering we weren't the moving party, we didn't feel like we needed to pay for Her to come down here. However, unbeknownst to us, the question the Judge was actually asking was: "Who is wiling to pay for the other party's plane ticket, if the child was to remain with them temporarily, until January 6?" Needless to say, Her attorney was quick to respond.... Just like that, the gavel pounded down... My husband's little buddy was to be relocated 1200 miles away with very little specifics... 

But don't worry, let me tell you about the logical and of course, feasible, "temporary" order that our Judge created. (I hope you heard every sarcastic thread in me, come out in that last sentence.) 
         -Every other weekend, Friday-Sunday (please, humor me, re-read that again), father is to visit child in Seattle. 
         -Mom is to pay for Father's travel and half of lodging. 

Yup, bet you didn't even begin to think about the fact that my man had to find a hotel to call "home" now. Only to ensure he was able to provide a 'normal and comfortable' spot for their 'quality time' of every other weekend. He would have to rent a car too and food is a small daily necessity as well. And then there is the question of what to do when there. We have never been to Seattle and don't even know where to begin. 

Besides the obvious hole in our hearts and nauseous stomachs we both had, money was now an issue. If you are too overwhelmed with emotion or still stuck with the thought of "you can remove a child, just like that AND allow a move to happen?!" I'll help you with think of the other details. So, there would be 12 weekends from the time the order was made to the trial date, 3 months of him 'temporarily' removed from his entire life in California, his dad, myself (the hubs and I have been together for almost 6 years, just in case you were curious how long I had been in the picture), all of my husband's family, my family, our little guy had friends too, and the kindergarten and indian guides he had just started. All of this, removed from him, like it was nothing.

This particular day of October 10, was the start of our weekend with the mini. Since the Judge was so vague in his order and ruling, no exact date was stated for when Mr. littles would be leaving and we were looking forward to making the most of our last weekend with him in CA. Well, we arrived at his school to pick him up and his stepdad was there as well. Next the cops were called on us, by him, because we were not there ONLY to say goodbye to this sweet boy... After talking with the cops, they concluded that since the order from our emergency hearing earlier that day was not even made up to verify a date or time, it legally was our weekend and the little man would come with us. Once an order was written up, we had to let him go. The next few hours were unimaginably horrific. Just knowing this amazing boy was going to be ripped from us and living 1200 miles away was disgusting. Then the call from our attorney came. The order was out. We had to "give him up." Just like that, the stepdad was at our door and carried the little one away.  No opportunity for an extra hug, another goodbye or one last 'I love you.'

Once we were able to think straight (it took all weekend because we were so numb and tore up from Friday's happenings), my husband took the hand he was dealt and hit the ground running, well crawling actually. We quickly came to the realization that in order to make the absolute most of his Friday- Sunday with his buddy and have a 'home' to hangout in, it wasn't going to be as "easy" as the temporary order read on paper. Also, it was only the dad who was supposed to paid for by Her. Wife/Stepmom was to join on her own dime, if she chose to go. Really? What man wants to live a jet setting lifestyle that deals with unthinkable emotions, have his little family be so divided, and try to make his only child feel comfortable, safe, and as though this new conventional custody arrangement is "normal," all by himself?    

 So, with a click of the button, 2 plane tickets, a hotel room and a car, were booked for trip number one. 

I once read a quote on a card that said, "A Dad is someone who holds you when you cry, scolds you when you break the rules, shines with pride when you succeed, and has faith in you even when you fail." I found myself thinking how true this is in regards to my husband, and how my dad was with me. However, the one major statement that this card was missing is, "A Dad is someone who will love you unconditionally, through and through."

As I sit here and reflect on the last 332 days that flew by so fast, I am trying to digest all that has happened since our little man was allowed to relocate and call Seattle his permanent home. All the visits that initially happened every other weekend for six months straight, eventually turned into once a month visits in Seattle. And now our first summer with our "not so little one" for the majority of the time in California, is done and gone. My husband and I soaked up every minute with him. But now, the LEGOS, the trucks, the cars and all emergency vehicles are put away. The size 6 clothes are washed, folded and tucked in their drawers and his newly redesigned room has become the storage place, once again, as we prep to begin our monthly visits to Seattle.

As I think back to the last time we were in Seattle, a bittersweet feeling comes over me. It was Father's Day Weekend. Both my husband and I now have to give up this celebratory day with our dads, whom we both love and cherish immensely, BUT, we are lucky enough to have this day/weekend with our special boy - who is exactly like his dad. This was also going to be our very first Father's Day as a little family of three. This commemorative Father's Day weekend away seemed to weigh quite a bit more on my husband, than it did with me. (Sorry, DAD!!)  I was super excited to go and I was especially excited to celebrate my man and his mini! I started scheming a month before we went. I had projects going on, hiding crafts, banners and posters, then packing them just so, being careful that the Mr. didn't see anything that I had up my sleeve in the suitcase that he was to bring. Thankfully, there were a couple Skype conversations between just the mini and me before my husband got home from work. Therefore, he was in on all my secrets and could lend his wise words. I wanted to give this one of a kind dad, a weekend he would never forget. 

Now, if you're in a situation such as ours, you know just how hard it is, to be your own child's dad. You fight hard, you do all you can to be included and involved, you love more than ever before, and yet you are constantly put down, not included, not validated and continually belittled. It's truly a wonder how such a strong man can continue on and have any self esteem or fight left. So, I was determined to praise the love of my life and shower him with encouragement, our hearts and little gifts from his little man and myself. Not to mention, I had everyone in our immediate and extended family write words of encouragement, share wisdom, or remind this exceptional dad, of sweet memories that I turned into a book. I wanted to surprise and shower this amazing man, with something new everyday for the duration of our time in Seattle. And that I did. It ended with a surprise car show in Issaquah and then an afternoon at Snoqualmie Falls, climbing all over the rocks and creating memories with our adventures.

 Surprised and shocked, were definitely the immediate expressions from our celebrated man. But, the reciprocated love and thanks, resulted in so many hugs and verbal praises to the little man. So many smiles and sweet conversations between a father and a son. Both, so proud of their role and both, so happy to celebrate this Father's Day together. Sure, our six year old had his thirteen year old attitude present and was vocal at times, but the tone was set. This one weekend was all about Dad. A Dad who holds him when he cries, scolds him when he breaks the rules, shines with pride when he succeeds, and has faith in him even when he fails. But, most of all, loves him unconditionally, through and through.